U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft Resigns

andyring writes "In a move that will undoubtedly make many /. readers jump for joy (although perhaps not myself), Attorney General John Ashcroft announced he will resign, according to multiple news sources. While many here dislike him, others have more favorable opinions of him. He became the point man on the USA Patriot Act, which typically ignites harsh opinions on both sides of the aisle." Reader cnsc1rtr , referring to the AP's version of the story, writes "He gave Bush a five-page, handwritten letter in which he stated, 'The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.'"

SAFE!

[Elwood P Dowd]

'The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.'

That is the BEST NEWS EVER! How come he didn't tell us about this before?

Today Ashcroft

[rbochan]

Tomorrow Cheney!

oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please

does that mean...

[ZiakII]

does that mean i can take off my tinfoil hat?

I'm Confused!

[Steve B]

He gave Bush a five-page, handwritten letter in which he stated, 'The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.

I thought that it was the overthrow of Saddam Hussein that did that....

He's encouraging criminals.

[readpunk]

I'm going to commit crimes just to spite him.

We Won!

[dasheiff]

'The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.'

Yey we won! Now we can pull out of Iraq. No more airport security lines. I just hope W. can read script.

Huh?

[Blue Neon Head]

"The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved."

Phew! Finally. Guess we don't need a DoJ anymore.

Re:I'm Confused!

[w1r3sp33d]

no, this means someone found the stockpiles of WMD's...

nobody wants to comment on this story

[Anonymous Coward]

as it may win you a long holiday in cuba.

Uncover those breasts!

[SmilingMonk]

Set them free. Freedom is a good thing, right? :-)

Re:Will Bush appoint a more conservative replaceme

[darnok]

I hear there's a former Iraqi Information Minister who's still looking for a job.

Horray! Now he'll be free for his true passion...

[Disperz]

I for one can't wait for his music career to jump off!
"LET THE EAGLE SOAR, LIKE SHE'S NEVER SOARN BEFORE!"
http://www.cnn.com/video/us/2002/02/25/a shcroft.si ngs.wbtv.med.html

*more* conservative?

[Goonie]

Are you trying to tell me that there are *more* "conservative" (they're really radicals) people Shrub could potentially appoint than Ashcroft? Just how scary do your wingnuts get?

In any case, I don't know whether you were intending to but you've alluded to an interesting point. Justice Ashcroft anyone?

Poor Mr. Ashcroft

[agent dero]

"He gave Bush a five-page, handwritten letter in which he stated"

I have a new found respect for John Ashcroft, it's pretty respectable that he thinks Bush will read five-pages of his letter.

At least he "still believes"

;)

Self-fulfilling prophecy

[jinxidoru]

'The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.'

Am I correct in assuming that his resignation is what is bringing this achievement to pass?

Re:And now Bush has his first Nominee

[stinerman]

Don't you dare joke about things like that.

LOL

[John Seminal]

He gave Bush a five-page, handwritten letter in which he stated, 'The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.

And Bush had to have someone read it to him.

two thoughts spring to mind

[way2trivial]

the humor, 1- "He gave Bush a five-page, handwritten letter in which he stated, 'The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.'" the fact that it was addressed to the receipient it was- makes this an oxymoron...

the serious 2- I recall a quote attributed to the then director of the patent office, requesting the patent office be closed, as all concieveable inventions had been made.. both the quote and the historical snip I give seem to have a spooky similarity

Re:We Won!

[Elizabeth007]

Hey, wait just a damned second here.

I voted for that Bush guy because we weren't safe, and less than two weeks later we are?

That was sarcasm. I swear.

A good thing

[ravenspear]

The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.

Does that mean the Patriot Act can be repealed now?

Re:Today Ashcroft

[Anonymous Coward]

Are you kidding?!? Cheney is Bush's life insurance! (Think about it...)

great

[nizo]

I knew I should have hurried up with my idea for a four horsemen of the apocolypse t-shirt, now one of the horsemen has resigned....

Re:Poor Mr. Ashcroft

[Triumph The Insult C]

s/will/can/

What a day!

[The Hobo]

1) Firefox 1.0 Released
2) Halo 2 Released
3) John Ashcroft Resigns
4).... Profit!!!

What a day it's been!

Re:SAFE!

[Anonymous Coward]

Yes, they left out the first bit:
"With my resignation the objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved."

Actually...

[NoMoreNicksLeft]

He resigned so that he could become Director of the newly formed Secret Police.

5 topics?

[vandelais]

[ News ]
[ United States ]
[ Republicans ]
[ Your Rights Online ]
[ Politics ]

Why not Upgrades?

Re:*more* conservative?

[tji]

Ashcroft ensured our safety by covering the breasts of statues [freep.com] in the justice department.

His more radically conservative replacement will complete this initiative, furthering American safety, by requiring burkas for all female statues.

Hey does this mean...

[TiggertheMad]

...That I get to see lady Justice's boobie again?

That may be worth a trip to D.C. for that alone!

Re:SAFE!

[Abalamahalamatandra]

Hooray! Mission accomplished!

Re:I Don't follow politics much ..

[Anonymous Coward]

Of course he's exausted because of all you Bush-bashers who keep on critizing the administration for no good reason unrelentlessly. John Ashcroft has done a stellar job securing our nation. Who could have seen 9/11? Everyone makes there mistakes but, this administration has made much less than a Gore Lieberman one would.

Re:SAFE!

[Jeremiah Cornelius]

You can now find another crypto-fascist, southern-baptist-taliban to keep eating the turds straight out of your ass!
Signed, J.A.

Re:He's encouraging criminals.

[Ba3r]

kazaa loading.....
eDonkey loading...
bitTorrent whirring...
cds ripping...
dvds burning...
firefox running... oh wait, a couple months too early to call that illegal

Re:We Won!

[DarkMantle]

Safe from terrorism and criminals.... But not the Oil Lords... you forget what this ware is really about!

Re:does that mean...

[josh3736]

Blastphemer!!!

As most other tinfoil hat wearers are aware, the only reason Ashcroft has resigned is so he can catch a lift up to the mind-reading satellite and read your mind directly! It's all a part of their global domination plan.

(Sadly, that last bit has some truth [zfacts.com] to it. [tinfoil hat securely back on])

Re:Today Ashcroft

[rhakka]

So says a fellow using the word "fag", showing exactly how seriously his opinion should be weighed.

Go back to jesusland, redneck.

5 page letter?

[danielacroft]

"He gave Bush a five-page, handwritten letter in which he stated, 'The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.'"

I hope he attached an audio book version to the letter.

Re:Will Bush appoint a more conservative replaceme

[Java Ape]

Is it possible that Bush will appoint a more conservative replacement for Ashcroft?

No, Ashcroft is moving to the bereau of weights and measures to serve as the standard of "Absolute Conservative". As such, it is impossible to appoint a more conservative replacement.

Doubtless, Bush will attempt to redefine the "Absolute Conservative" standard when selecting Ashcroft's replacement, but experts agree that he's likely to appoint a "Facist Extremist" by mistake.

Re:SAFE!

[Rei]

Without Ashcroft around, who will there be to dilligently protect a woman's right to give birth? Or to protect a terminally-ill patient's right to keep living? Or an atheist student's right to participate in school-sponsored prayer? Or a muslim's right to be given a surprise trip to a tropical carribean island? Or even a pipe maker's right to have a long-term vacation to Huntsville?

I fear for this country without Ashcroft around. Let the eagle soar, John. Let it soar.

P.S.: If you need someone to annoint you with cooking oil for your next job, just give me a call. I've got a bottle of Wesson in the cabinet.

Re:Ashcroft

[Anonymous Coward]

Amen. Now let's go to the races....

Re:SAFE!

[g3head]

'The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.'

That is the BEST NEWS EVER! How come he didn't tell us about this before?

well, he's just now resigning....

Re:Will Bush appoint a more conservative replaceme

[Fnkmaster]

Gee, it must suck to have a label like "conservative" misappropriated and turned into an insult meaning "authoritarian". See how it feels when the President does the same with the word "liberal", which has been turned into an insult meaning essentially "communist"?

Cry me a fucking river. After the besmirching that my state, Massachusetts, got from nutjob Shrub, I really feel bad for the poor conservatives that their ideology has been wrested from them by authoritarian whackjobs like Ashcroft. Boo-fucking-hoo.

Re:He's encouraging criminals.

[Barlo_Mung_42]

"I'm going to commit crimes just to spite him."

I can top that. I'm going to have gay sex just to spite him.

Re:I Don't follow politics much ..

[Anonymous Coward]

Finally Ashcroft saw what God was trying to tell him: switch jobs! Preferably one where you don't have any responsibility over other human beings.

Hehe

[Anonymous Coward]

What will all the liberal wankers complain about now that there object of hatred is gone!?!?!?!

Re:SAFE!

[BrynM]

BTW, Re: the statute behind him in the picture, I thought they had covered that statue up already?

Nipple(s) are OK if you are and two of these:

• Made of Stone
• Made of Bronze
• Made of Plaster
• Standing behind a Bush Cabinet Member
• The verdict is still pending for made of Silicone

Being made of flesh and showing nipple(s) is strictly forbidden! Think of the children! No! Don't think of their nipples you perv! Think of their small impressionable minds! Without taboo they would be heathens.

I not a religious man, but...

[the_mushroom_king]

Halle-FUCKING-lujah!!

Re:5 page letter?

[eclectro]

Actually it's five pages because he had to use a crayon.

In other news...

[Greg Larkin]

...Ashcroft's statue [bbc.co.uk] was seen disrobing upon hearing of his resignation!

Re:He's encouraging criminals.

[interiot]

Or if you're a hetero male like me, you can simply ogle Lady Liberty [google.com].

Re:*more* conservative?

[bladernr]

Listen to Savage Nation once in a while (for as long as you can stand it) to find someone you can really label 'radical.'

Want a Democratic majority in this country? Make all Republicans listen to Mike Savage for a solid 4 hours. 90% of Republicans would think "THIS GUY is on my side?" and switch sides.

(No I'm not kidding. How many Republicans really agree with those talk-radio whack-jobs?)

Of course, I could also make 90% of Democrats become Republicans by making them listen to Air America for a day. You think the ring-wing guys are paraniod tin-foil hatters? Listen to Air America for a while.

That's the beautiful thing about American politics: I can choose either major party and be guaranteed to be in horrible company.

A 5 page letter eh

[mthreat]

Can the president read five full pages?

Aha!

[FunWithHeadlines]

" does that mean i can take off my tinfoil hat?"

Ah, got you at last, ZiakII! You finally show up on our radar screens, and our agents will be at your door within minutes. Please cooperate fully. Thank you.

No, not that... he meant that they'd caught Osama.

[genixia]

Oh, wait a second, they didn't do that either.

Re:SAFE!

[peawee03]

*choke*

Wow. Every joy I had about this just left my body. I will now choke on my own tongue, thankyouverymuch

Re:We're saved!

[Anonymous Coward]

'The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.'

So they figured out how anthrax from US Army labs was mailed to various members of congress and media outlets, and captured those responsible?

Actually, there was anthrax in the letter that Ashcroft gave him. It's the only way to "secur[e] the safety of Americans from crime and terror".

Re:Yes, completely out of context!

[kesler]

I love the closing comment:

"I have handwritten this letter so its confidentiality"

Re:SAFE!

[Anonymous Coward]

Anyone else notice the boob [ap.org] is back in plain view at the Justice department?

Re:What a day!

[drdink]

Those Final Jeopardy categories sucked. That bad scifi guy had it coming. I mean, beer is fine, but beer and bad scifi?

Time To Call Queer Eye

[Anonymous Coward]

Now that he's gone, those terror alert level colors have simply got to go. I mean, helllloooo, ever heard of earth tones? And everyone knows pink is the new red. Sheesh.

Re:There is a GOD.

[Yorrike]

I think it's a bit of a cop-out. I would have preferred he's retired for health reasons, like acute cancer of the dick.

We now need:

Cheney to get locked in his coffin as he sleeps after feeding on the blood of the living as I've been told he does on a daily basis.

Bush to go for a world pretzel eating record, choking in the process.

Rumsfield to get bitten by a rabid dog, contracting rabies and going slowing and humorously insane.

Panic, chaos, disorder...

[cprice]

His work here is done.

Re:SAFE!

[Anonymous Coward]

Damnit, now who's going to clean up all this vomit? My keyboard is ruined!

Re:SAFE!

[Anonymous Coward]

Dude, if that isn't being a killjoy, I don't know what is. Let's only pray that he would not get confirmed.

But his resignation is a problem. Now, how will I know the current threat level? [wackyneighbor.com]

Re:What a day!

[PMuse]

This is one of those days when there's only one thing you can say: Praise the Lord.

Re:SAFE!

[spazimodo]

the other day after bush made his bogus comments about wanting to heal the country, one of the commentators on NPR made a pretty funny comment.

as bush: "the first act of my second term is to nominate john ashcroft to the supreme court; now let the healing begin!"

Re:He's encouraging criminals.

[Chris Burke]

Don't leave out lesbians, who can also exercise their patriotic libido by imagining what it'd be like to bump uglies with the feminine personification of freedom. Oh yeah...

Re:Yes, completely out of context!

[Dick Faze]

That's an instant classic, though he still pales in comparison to the master:

"There's an old saying in Tennessee--I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee--that says, fool me once, shame on--shame on you. Fool me--you can't get fooled again."
--W, Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

Comment removed

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

Re:SAFE!

[ConceptJunkie]

I've heard it described that photographers will go through great contortions to get the boob in the frame with Ashcroft. Not that he didn't have that coming.

Re:He's encouraging criminals.

[The-Bus]

If HBO's OZ has taught me anything...

1. Commit crime
2. Go to prison
3. ????
4. Gay sex!

Unless you're a chick. But with a name like "Barlo Mung" ... I'd be afraid.

Re:Stalking horse

[Debillitatus]

Nihilists? Shit. Say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism, at least it's an ethos.

I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck, in the meaningless theatre of war, to return to a world where rules are trampled on willy-nihily.

Re:Misson Accomplished!!

[slinky259]

I'm not even going to bother trying to understand that...

Ok... I concede defeat. Major combat operations have ended on Slashdot... (crosses fingers)

I was just passing along the dinnertime conversation - apparently no one in my family has done their research.

~stephen

Resigning To Focus On Core Responsibilities

[MooseByte]

"well, he's just now resigning...."

Clearly due to the fact that his stint as Attorney General was interfering with his duties as Sith Lord.

Re:SAFE!

[A nonymous Coward]

Bush and his handlers are the masters of doublethink.

Maybe his handlers are masters of doublethink, but Bush himself is master of nothink, and that's why his handlers picked him.

Re:Misson Accomplished!!

[Anonymous Coward]

Let's see now:

On the one hand, an AP report by someone who did the research, tracked the documentation, talked to the people most directly involved,

VERSUS

A /. submission that he said that he heard over dinner from his friend that HE heard...

WHO DO I BELIEVE? PLEASE, GOD HELP ME, WHO DO I BELIEVE?

Re:Today Ashcroft

[teromajusa]

Sorry to break this to you, but according to the latest election results, we live in jesusland.

Re:He's encouraging criminals.

[808140]

Shhh. Everyone knows AIDS is a disease only faggots get. Didn't you get the memo?

Good, god-fearing Americans abstain from casual sex. That's why information regarding birth control and condoms doesn't need to be taught in school.

Yes, my friend, faggot-sex will be the end of America as we know it. Luckily, George Bush has a plan to save the butt pirates. Through love, Jesus Christ, and make-you-straight boot-camp, we will teach these homos to do what's right for America, Jesus, and themselves.

Or we'll kill them, I guess. That works too. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go watch NASCAR.

I think something along the lines of Bad Santa

[Savatte]

is more appropriate:

Thank The Fuck Christ!

Re:Misson Accomplished!!

[808140]

Honorably admitted, sir.

The face you lost in your (unwillful) spread of disinformation, you regained in your humble admission of defeat.

Kudos to you.

Re:He's encouraging criminals.

[djlowe]

Um, that statue is called the Spirit of Justice.

Re:SAFE!

[catalina]

Anyone else notice the boob is back in plain view at the Justice department?

The one in the foreground, or the other one?

Re:5 Page Handwritten Letter?

[Anonymous Coward]

Does anybody else think a five page handwritten letter sounds a bit psychotic?

Dear Mr. Duhbaya,

Fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... {written 1800 times).

Yours trully,

Former Attorney General John Ashcroft

P.S. Fuck you

This might be considered to be a little psychotic.

He sang too…

[issue]

Video of Ashcroft singing. [cnn.com]

Re:Misson Accomplished!!

[slashdot_commentator]

Ah, how sweet. Republicans lying to support the President's image. Such integrity.

Re:What a day!

[FreonTrip]

And let the eagle soar!

Re:SAFE!

[mattkinabrewmindspri]

So he's a shoe-in then?

Re:What a day!

[znu]

Ashcroft only read the Constitution to look for loopholes. That doesn't count.

Re:Ashcroft

[LMariachi]

Or what if someone offered you an analogy that was 90% bullshit and 10% stupid? Or maybe vice-versa...

Re:Yes, completely out of context!

[Anonymous Coward]

I have handwritten this letter so its confidentiality can be maintained until the appropriate arrangements mentioned above can be made.

Hmm... Maybe he was worried about someone reading his screen through Van Eck phreaking?

Of course, there's always the possibility that the sound of keys being typed is more easily mapped to which key was hit than the sound of a pen scratching a sheet of paper can be mapped to the text being written. The fact that John Ashcroft himself is worried about such activities clearly implies that such sound-to-key-mapping equipment must be readily available to government agents. Also, he was concerned that he may be under surveillance.

Ashcroft's hat turns out to have been made of tin foil. Wow. Who knew?

Dang! There goes my favorite typo;

[PotatoHead]

namely, Asscroft...

Re:5 Page Handwritten Letter?

[Anonymous Coward]

" Does anybody else think a five page handwritten letter sounds a bit psychotic?"

This is a guy who annointed himself with oil. I bet the ink was holy water based, the pages of fresh vellum made from the skin of a spotless lamb.

So the next time an act of terror occurs...

[payndz]

...does that mean that Ashcroft will have to come back?

Re:This whole article should stop now.

[Anonymous Coward]

Godwin is watching.

Yeah, he can be a real thread Nazi.

Oops, here come the Godwin Nazis to shutt me up.

Oops. Here come the Spelling Nazis to correct me error above.

Oops. Here come the Grammar Nazis to correct the error following the last error.

Oops. Here come the joke Nazis to say i should have stopped after the first line.

Oops. Here come the /. Nazis to say this would be much funnier if it had a 1)? 2)? 3)Profit! in it somewhere.

Oops. Here... I give up. Call me France. I surrender.

Re:SAFE!

[Alsee]

I've heard it described that photographers will go through great contortions to get the boob in the frame with Ashcroft.

I don't get it. Why do photographers want to get pictures of Bush and Ashcroft together?

-

Re:Misson Accomplished!!

[AkaXakA]

Kudos to you.

Don't blame him, he voted for Kodos!

.

Re:Stalking horse

[AragornSonOfArathorn]

Mark it "eight", Dude.

Gay sex is everywhere

[Anonymous Coward]

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go watch NASCAR."

You are clearly unaware of the homoerotic imagery rife in NASCAR: the body hugging fetishistic fire-suits, the in-car close ups of drivers grasping their gear sticks, the winner's giant magnum spurting over the crowd, yes, YES, YESSSSSS!!!

*Ahem*...